A Public Service Announcement from Cthulhu

by Bernard Brandt


Cthulhu would like to offer Its congratulations to the lot of you little vermin. You have now made it possible, if not inevitable, that the Dread God will be able to rise from Its deep city of R’lyeh, to wipe your miserable species from the face of this paltry planet, and to restore the Old Ones to their rightful place as rulers of the universe. At the very least, you have made far more plausible and successful Cthulhu’s campaign for the presidency of the United States.

Cthulhu credits the success of Its campaign to three inherent defects of you sad creatures. The first is your inability to cooperate outside of your tribal lines of family, culture, language, religion, or politics. Cthulhu believes that you call this inability ‘war’.

The second is your miserable species’ preference for control over success. This tendency can best be shown by your cousins, the monkeys, who can be captured by the simple stratagem of digging holes in the ground large enough to place a piece of fruit, but too small for them to pull that fruit out once they have grasped it. It seems that neither of you know when to let things go. You primates are all alike.

The third, but most important to Its campaign, is your inveterate inability to learn and to put together the information you have learned. One of the most intelligent of your species put it this way: “The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents.” Cthulhu knows nothing of mercy. But It finds this foremost of your defects to be most convenient to Its plans, as well as most amusing.

Thus, Cthulhu can offer Its congratulations, without any fear of Its stratagems being discovered, or Its plans overturned.

So, Cthulhu first congratulates most of this nation’s electorate, who still seem to have no clue that their nation has long ceased to be a republic, or even a democracy. It is, of course, now an oligarchy. In short, it is now a tyranny, where the large majority of people, who would really rather not be taxed, regulated, regimented, ‘educated’, and otherwise ‘nudged’, are ruled by a small minority of the rich, politicians, legislators, bureaucrats, journalists, and academics, who have no intention of ceasing their control over that vast majority.

Cthulhu next congratulates that great majority, which continues to avoid seeing the obvious: that each and every one of the current candidates for the presidency (except Cthulhu) are members of that same oligarchy. Thus, none of those candidates have any real interest in helping to liberate that majority from their oligarchy, no matter what their campaign promises may be.

Cthulhu goes on to congratulate the oligarchs themselves, both those in the Financial wing (which Cthulhu believes you pitiful creatures still call the Republican Party) and the Regulatory wing (which is otherwise called the Democratic Party). Congratulations: you attempted to control your country, either by buying the vote of its legislators (I believe you call it ‘lobbying’) or by limiting the information available to the nation’s electorate (through what may laughingly be called your educational, news media, and entertainment systems). And Cthulhu notes that through your several efforts, you have perfected that exemplar of your species: the low-information voter. Congratulations. You have only yourselves to blame for those voters’ decisions.

Finally, Cthulhu congratulates the three main beneficiaries of the foregoing foolishness, the three top running candidates, whom Cthulhu names the Blowhard, the First Felon, and the Old Commie. In this, Cthulhu pointedly ignores the two main Financial wing stragglers in the present race, whom Cthulhu dismisses with the epithets, Thing One and Thing Two.

To the Blowhard then, congratulations. You appear to have discovered two crucial facts: that the current process of election is indistinguishable from the news and entertainment industry, and that the so-called ‘reality show’ is the present most successful form of entertainment and news. You have used these insights, and with the outlay of very little cash, to become the most successful reality star in history. It may help you to win the nomination of the Financial Wing, unless that latter figures out some means of scuttling you. It may even win you the presidency.

Cthulhu is, however, disappointed in your campaign platform. Your opponents seem to be calling you the equal of Adolf Hitler. In addition to their epochic fail, under Godwin’s Law, they seem to be ignoring the fact that all you appear to be saying is that neither several of the Amendments to the U.S. Constitution, nor the Beatitudes, are a suicide pact. Cthulhu would wish far more from you. But Cthulhu has every confidence that, as a human being, you can be relied upon to do something monumentally stupid and disastrous while in office.

Cthulhu next turns Its many-tentacled head to the First Felon. Congratulations. You appear to have convinced a substantial minority of the electorate that you are a competent and honest politician, all evidence to the contrary. Your only qualifications for office appear to be your gender and your marriage to a former President, whose main success was that he did not get imprisoned or hanged for his actions while in office, or afterwards. Nonetheless, Cthulhu also congratulates you for continuing the work of your predecessors, and bringing your miserable species ever closer to World War III and global thermonuclear war. Cthulhu has every confidence that, if you were elected, you would be able to accomplish that great goal.

Finally, Cthulhu addresses the Old Commie. Congratulations. In spite of the fact that you are both a member of the ‘1%’, and have infested the U.S. Congress for the last quarter-century, but have so little to show for that time, you have still convinced a sizable fraction of the electorate that you are a worthy and effective politician. Cthulhu can only credit this to the fact that your opponents are as repugnant as they are. You are truly ‘the lesser of three evils’. Cthulhu notes with favor, however, that your campaign promises can be summed up in the words, “Eat the Rich.” But while Cthulhu approves that position, It would prefer to exercise that privilege Itself.

But Cthulhu ends Its Public Service Announcement with these words to the American electorate: “No matter whom you choose as your ruler from among the other candidates, they have neither the ability nor the willingness to accomplish the promises they make to you. Cthulhu says, ‘Yes It Can!’ Cthulhu promises to eat the Rich (first). Cthulhu promises an end to inequality, an end to suffering (eventually), and an end to strife. In fact, Cthulhu promises not just an end, but The End. No Lives Matter. Vote for Cthulhu: Why choose the LESSER evil?”